On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
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Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time