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3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Don’t frighten the programmers!
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door