Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I’m sure it’s fine.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.