stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
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I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.