So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
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Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response