There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
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Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers