Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog