sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
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[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician