[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
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What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider