For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
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Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Happy Caturday!
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat