[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
The real reason evolution started..😂
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.