Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
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Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
My wife gives the best headache.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Hello Twits.