C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
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[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
The Compass
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.