Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
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20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.