Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
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White Castle for the Win
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is βincorrectβ
KID: I havenβt spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, thatβs your word
KID: T-H-A-T-β-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. Iβm good now.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Kids be like βThat is the funniest thing Iβve ever heardβ and itβs just the word duty.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food