[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
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young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
When your man makes a valid point
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.