Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
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Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Probably my best painting.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend