Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
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Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
This is the coolest video you will see today.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?