Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber