DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
You Might Also Like
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.