Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
where do you see yourself in five years?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.