[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
The news is so predictable nowadays
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Okay
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital