I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
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Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.