The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
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Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Discuss