“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*