Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
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#DesignFail
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
*Inspirational Tweets*
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
new year update: losing everything but weight
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Damn what did I do next
It’s the weekend y’all
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.