I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
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Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris