Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
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[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why