getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
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How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together