I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.