Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
That was easy.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!