Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
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not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
not seeing the problem
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Well, this explains it:
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart