You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
You Might Also Like
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
never deleting this app.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.