Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Look at this
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.