[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
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guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
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The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
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I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off