When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
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Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.