[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
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Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra