Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth