Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
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[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones