[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
You Might Also Like
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?