When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
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DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
and this one
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Good morning.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws