Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
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ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
2022 will be better than 2021
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody