I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two