I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
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On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲