Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
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Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Become ungovernable.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed