My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
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My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
yeet
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?