Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
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Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
We all have our pet causes.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.