Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*