Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I have two kinds of followers
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish