Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”